[wanabidii] Re: Utani - Jokes - Ucheshi - Vimbwanga

Dingi: Niletee soda we mtoto.
mtoto: pepsi or coca?
dingi: pepsi..
mtoto: ya kopo ya chupa..?
dingi: ya kopo
mtoto: ya baridi ya moto..?
dingi: hee wewe mtoto mbona maswali mengi.. basi bwana niletee maji
tu..
mtoto: ya hapa home au ya dukani..?
dingi: ya hapahapa
mtoto: ya baridi ya moto..?
dingi: ya baridi..
mtoto: kwenye glasi or kikombe
dingi: ntakupiga na ufagio we mtoto
mtoto: ufagio wa chelewa or wa mti..?
dingi: ntakuua we mtoto
mtoto: utaniuaje../ utanchoma kisu o utanipiga na bastola..?
dingi: nitakupiga na bastola
mtoto: kichwani or tumboni..?
dingi: kichwani.. NIMEKWAMBIA TOKA NJE..
mtoto: sasa hivi or baadae..?
dingi: sasa hivi..

ilikuwa ni sherehe ya kumwaga askofu mstafu na kumkaribisha mpya. iakw
hivi
MC ; " Kwa kuwa mgeni rasmi amechelewa kuja naomba askof mstafu atoe
historia yake fupi akiwa hapa kanisani.
Askof stafu; nashukuru sana kwa hii nafasi, mpaka leo namkumbuka mtu
wa kwanza kabisa kumfanya aokoke, alikuwa ni kijana mmoja ambaye sasa
ni mtu mkubwa sana serikalini, siwezikumtaja jina. lakini alikuja
akiwa mateka wa shetani ambaye alimsababishia asiweze kupata mtoto
tena kutokana na magonjwa mengi ya zinaa aliyoumwa, kaachana kaoa
zaidi ya mara tatu na kuacha, alikuwa analala kilabuni anakunywa mpaka
anajikojolea. sasa siku hiyo aliyokuja kwangu anasema ilikuwambaya
zaidi alilala kilabuni vijana wakampitia wakamvua nguozote na kumwacha
uchi wa mnyama. basi nikafanya nae maombi pale akampokea Mungu, Huwezi
amini ukimwaona leo!!! ni mtu mkubwa sana serikalini.Kama Mungu
alitenda hivyo kwa huyu atafanya na kwako. Amen?????
MC; Asante sana Baba Askofu, naona mgeni rasmi anaingia. utokana na
muda wetu umeenda sana namkaribisha mgeni rasmi.
Mgeni Rasmi; Nashukuru sana kwa hii nafasi. Kwanza naomba mnisamehe
kwa kuchelewa,Mimi naitwa.................... ni Katibu mkuu wa
Serikali yetu. Nafurahi kuwa mgeni rasmi katika kanisa hili kwa sababu
limeanzisha msingi wa maisha yangu ya baraka. mi nadhani ni mtu wa
kwanza kabisa kuokolewa kwenye hili kanisa. Ni habari ya kusikitisha
sasa lakini namshukuru Mungu kwa kupitia babaAskofu mstaff aliniokoa .
Mc; ..........mh

A Tanzanian and an American man are sitting next to each other on a
long flight From London to New York.



The American man leans over to the Tanzania and ask if he would like
to
play a fun game. The Tanzanian just wants to take a nap, so he
politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
American man persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a
lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't
know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Tanzanian politely
declines and tries to get to sleep. The American man , now
somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me
$5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"


This catches the Tanzanian's attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The American asks
the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Tanzanian doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the American.

Now, it's the Tanzanian's turn. He asks the American "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The American looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no
avail. After
about an hour,
he wakes the Tanzanian and hands him $100. The Tanzanian
politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, shakes the Tanzanian and asks
"Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Tanzanian reaches
into his wallet, hands the American $5, and turns away to get Back to
sleep

Taarifa zinasema huyu alikuwa mchagga,

kulikuwa kuna mwanamke mmoja antembea juu ya ghorafa ya mwisho sasa
yule mwanamke akateleza kuteleza akadakwa na mzungu yule mwanamke
akamwabia mzungu asante sana umeyasevu maisha yangu nitafanya na mimi
nitakusaidua chochote unachotaka yule mzungu akamwambia lala na mimi
yule mwanamke kamwambie kwa hilo haiwezekani akamrusha chini kumrusha
akadakwa na mtaliana yule mwanamke kamwambia kama alivyomwambia yule
m.mme wa mwanzo na yule mtaliana kasema vilevile lala na mimi
akamwambia haiwezekani yule mtaliana akamrusha tena chili kumrusha
akadakwa na muarabu huyo muarabu aliku shekhe yeye yule mwanmke
akamwambia asante umeyasevu maisha yangu kwa hiyo nitalala na weye
yule muarabu akasema astaghfirullah akamrusha chini kabisa

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite
as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty
good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in
and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate
in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer
and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a
sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my
shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can
handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to
go."

HIGH SCHOOL LOVE LETTERS
(Girl)

** MAY THE RECEIVER BE THE OPENER **
** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ

** " P D N F"--- please do no fold **

Roll down to you sweetiepie Babe!
Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance
automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous
thing happened is because papie I love you spontaneously and as I
stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only
think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please
Stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more
than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and
ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly
stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear. My medular-oblandata
also stops functioning.

Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what
is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That's why I need
to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear
because I still haven't finished studying electrolysis and
polymerization. Catch you pa- later. Sleep tight and don't let those
bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a thing for them.





(Boy)

** FLY LIKE A JUMBO JET**
** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ

** " P D N F"--- please do no fold


My Love, My Sugar, i was exasperated with pride to have received one
from you, the lungs in my body flapped with joy when i have been
reading your letter. Anyway by now you have reached the realisations
to why i am jotting this small letter to you, yes it is to see if you
are keeping with the sands of time.


How is everything on that other side of yours? Well here everything is
just half lemon half sugar to makeit schweppes. How is your schooling?
How are you pulling the wagons of life? I am just pulling the
schooling thing like a donkey pulling a cart.

My honie, i am missing you ve ry much right now, my heart is
perambulating with every word that i write, if it was not for these
oceans that decided to flow between us then i would get on the next
bus to come and see you, but until then i know that i will not
hesitate to put this blue blood on this paper and write to you. I
remember that day lovie,! that one sweet day as Maria Curry sanged it,
you know that it is my favorites song honie, the one day that we were
boarding the combies and you escorted me to my home, walking with you
just brought sweet dreams to me for the rest of my life honie.

If words of love could ride a bicycle I would be competing against
Diego Maradona. Anyways, i will not stop you from reading the books
that give you life and education so I will stop here for today.

Please always writing to me because I am missing you like sugar misses
tea.

My dedications to you are :


Maria Curry - One Sweet Day.

Boys to Main - And of the Rod

Keep well my mop of my heart, Yours in flesh and in blood, Ruise Sugar
Baby

P.S. Sorry about my english, I did not learn anymore

On Jun 8, 8:48 pm, Mobhare Matinyi <mati...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> Malkia aliulizwa na waandishi:
> Unaokionaje Kmombo cha Idi Amin?
> Akajibu: Amin hazungumzi Kiingereza, bali anazungumza lugha inayokaribiana sana na Kiingereza.
>
> Halafu, Malkia akamuuliza Amin:
> Why did you surprise us like that, with such an honourable visit?
> Amin: Madam, there is no shoe size 13 in Uganda.
>
> (hii ni kweli).
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > Date: Fri, 8 Jun 2012 10:44:14 -0700
> > Subject: [wanabidii] Re: Utani - Jokes - Ucheshi - Vimbwanga
> > From: oldmo...@gmail.com
> > To: wanabidii@googlegroups.com
>
> > IDD AMIN DADA SPEECH AT A FORUM HOSTED BY HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN OF
> > ENGLAND:
>
> > 'My majesty Mr. Queen Sir, horrible ministers and members of
> > parliament, invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen, before I undress
> > you, let us open the windows for the climate to come inside!
>
> > I hereby thank you completely….. Mr. Queen, sir; and also what he has
> > done for me and my fellow Uganda who come with me.
>
> > We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely
>
> > But before I go back to my country with a plane from the Entebbe
> > airport of London I wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become home
> > to Uganda so that we can also revenge on you.
>
> > You will eat a full cow:and also feel up your stomach and walk with
> > difficult because of full stomach completely. Even when you want to
> > rest at night; I will make sure that you sleep on top of me in the top
> > up stairs of my mansion completely so that you can enjoy all the
> > gravity of fresh air.
>
> > 'But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I have made a short
> > call on you only. But next time I shall make a long call on you to
> > last the whole moon completely. Thank you very much to allow me to
> > undress you completely before these extinguished ladies under
> > gentlemen sir.
>
> > Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthem
> > of the republic of Uganda and also the British international
> > anthem..Your majesty sir, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and
> > from the bottoms of all the people of Uganda.
>
> > With this few words I thank you Sir
>
> > On May 4, 1:51 pm, Yona F Maro <oldmo...@gmail.com> wrote:
> > > ZANZIBARI CONTRACTOR IN WASHINGTON
>
> > > Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House
> > > in D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from Zanzibar and the third,
> > > from China .. They go with a White House official to examine the
> > > fence.
>
> > > The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
> > > measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I
> > > figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my
> > > team and $100 profit for me)".
>
> > > The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
> > > says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my
> > > team and $100 profit for me)".
>
> > > The Zanzibar contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
> > > the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
>
> > > The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
> > > other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
>
> > > The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and
> > > we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."
>
> > > "Done!" replies the government official.
>
> > > A TOURIST IN ZANZIBAR
> > > A Tourist in Zanzibar had a friend as an interpreter by the name of
> > > Mr.Makeke. When in a small restaurant in town interpretation English
> > > to Kiswahili went like this:
>
> > > Tourist: Do you have vegetables here.
>
> > > Makeke: Mnavyo vijimeza hapa.
>
> > > Waiter: Vijimeza vidogo hatuna.
>
> > > Makeke: No sir, they don't have.
>
> > > Tourist: OK, fine, do you have hot dogs.
>
> > > Makeke: Sawa, je mnao mbwa wa moto.
>
> > > Waiter: Loh! Bwana we, hatupiki mbwa hapa.
>
> > > Makeke: They don't cook here
>
> > > Tourist: What type of snacks do you have here?
>
> > > Makeke: Aina ngapi ya nyoka mnao hapa,
>
> > > Waiter: We bwana we hapa hatupiki aina yeyote ya nyoka, mwache akale
> > > nyumbani kwao.
>
> > > Makeke: They don't cook any type of snacks here, maybe you can go back
> > > and eat at home.
>
> > > Tourist: OK, at least give us a cocktail juice.Makeke: OK, tupatie
> > > hata juisi ya mkia wa jogoo.
>
> > > Waiter: Hebu tokeni na bangi lenu hapa, tena sasa hivi kabla
> > > sijakasirika.
>
> > > Makeke: Lets get out of here, I think this man is crazy!
>
> > > FOR  TOURISTS
>
> > > It's best to learn the word for coffee (Kahawa) straightaway. There is
> > > a word that sounds just like cof-fee (Kofi), only in Kiswahili it
> > > means "SLAP" and that's the last thing you would want from your waiter
> > > first thing in the morning.
>
> > > On May 4, 12:27 pm, MaryGlady Heri <mgla...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > > > Hizi nyingine hazifai kuwa methali ni bomu
>
> > > > 2012/5/3 Peter Peter <docterwan...@gmail.com>
>
> > > > > hapo  poa
>
> > > > > 2012/4/30 vick pilla <vpill...@yahoo.co.uk>
>
> > > > >>  *JOKE OF THE DAY* [image: Coffee cup]******
> > > > >> ****
> > > > >> **
> > > > >> ****
> > > > >>    **KITENDAWILI<http://p.feedblitz.com/r.asp?l=63293627&f=256332&u=8633151&c=4154311>
> > > > >> ****
> > > > >> *Mwalimu aliingia darasani.Akaagiza wanafunzi watege**
> > > > >> vitendwili!*****
>
> > > > >> *Juma akasimama**
> > > > >> "kitendawili?" *****
> > > > >>  ****
> > > > >> *Mwalimu "tega!"*****
>
> > > > >> *Juma "NIVUE NGUO nikupe**
> > > > >> UTAMU!"*****
>
> > > > >> *Mwalimu**
> > > > >> kwa hasira "pumbavu"*
> > > > >> *mshenzi nani anakufundisha upuuzi**
> > > > >> huo?"[image: Annoyed]*****
>
> > > > >> *Juma:Nipe mji basi*****
>
> > > > >> *Mwalimu:Nenda kwa**
> > > > >> **TIBAIJUKA**
> > > > >> **ndo mwenye madaraka ya ugawaji wa miji*****
>
> > > > >> *Juma "Oyaa ticha kama**
> > > > >> hujui si
> > > > >> useme tu?"*****
>
> > > > >> *Jibu lake ni NDIZI MBIVU!"**
> > > > >> Darasa zima kicheko![image: Laugh]*****
> > > > >> *
> > > > >> * ****
>
> > > > >>   *From:* Yona F Maro <oldmo...@gmail.com>
> > > > >> *To:* Wanabidii <wanabidii@googlegroups.com>
> > > > >> *Sent:* Sunday, 29 April 2012, 11:57
> > > > >> *Subject:* [wanabidii] Re: Utani -Jokes- Ucheshi - Vimbwanga
>
> > > > >> 1)Wewe ni mlafi mpaka ukimaliza kuvuta fegi unalamba vidole!
> > > > >> 2)Nasikia kwenu mumeendelea hadi mko na teabags za uji!
> > > > >> 3)Wewe ni fala hadi una-rewind CD - yes, CD! - na biro!
> > > > >> 4)Doggy yenu imekonda hadi ikipewa jina ina collapse juu ya mzigo.
> > > > >> 5)Grandbuda yako ni mzee; alikuwa shamba boy was Garden of Eden
> > > > >> 6)TV yenu ni deadly, ukiiwasha inasema "Please insert Pin Code"
> > > > >> 7)Ati wewe ni mjinga, mamako akikutuma ukanunue color-TV, una muuliza
> > > > >> "Ya colour gani"
> > > > >> 8)Nyumba yenu ni ya nyasi, sa wezi wakicome wanashout "fungua ama
> > > > >> tulete ngombe"!
> > > > >> 9)Umeunga vinoma , mpaka we hupeel maembe kama njugu!
> > > > >> 10)Mshuto yako ni kali hadi mende za kwenu zinasema afadhali doom!
> > > > >> 11)We ni fala mpaka ulipika chapo na 'Fair & Lovely' ndio zitoke Light
> > > > >> and Soft
> > > > >> 13)Madha wako ni fala ye huenda ku-buy barsoap kwenye bar!
> > > > >> 14)Ati manzi wako ana mdomo chafu akitema mate inageuka mbolea
> > > > >> 15)Nyanya yenu ni mzee mpaka gav ikamnyaganya ID
>
> > > > >> ww mblack mpaka ukirushiwa mawe inarudi kuitisha torch
>
> > > > >> ww manzi amekonda mpaka yee huva senitory towel na suspender
>
> > > > >> ww ni fala first tym yako kuingia plane ulisema usinipitishe roundaaa
>
> > > > >> Kwenu kuna njaa mpaka muna fotocopy chapati
>
> > > > >> Una vidole kubwa ukifinya button ya 4th floor inaenda 8th floor!
>
> > > > >> manzi yako ana sauti chromo Y hadi wa talk yenu ni ka wachali wawili.
>
> > > > >> ww ni mchafu mpaka sabuni inakusengenya
> > > > >> Manzi yko amezeeka mpaka akitoa kiss nyama inaiva.
>
> > > > >> eti dem wako ni fatty mpaka akikaa huwa anasimamishwa na break down
>
> > > > >> ati ww ni mnono mpaka watu hufanya teezi around u
>
> > > > >> Kichwa yako ni bigi hadi ukiswim kwa maji watu hufikria ni island
>
> > > > >> Ati ww mblack hadi ukiingia supamkt kiwi zote zinakukimbilia
>
> > > > >> Eti wako ni mrefu hadi brekfast ya asubuhi inafika tumbo yake lunch
> > > > >> tym
>
> > > > >> abudako mjinga nilimtuma a buy mbuku ya class 8 akabuy mbili za class
> > > > >> 4
>
> > > > >> ww mrefu hadi ukipgwa picha inasema 2 b continud....
>
> > > > >> Mtoi yenu ameshanuka hadi akitaka kulia ana vibrate
>
> > > > >> ati ww mblack mpaka white blood cells zako zinaonekana
>
> > > > >> Manzi yako ni slim hadi aki inama inakushow gota
>
> > > > >> Eti fon yako ni old mpaka fonbok yake imeraruka na contak list
> > > > >> hazionikani
>
> > > > >> Eti paka zenu zimechanuka mpaka wanatumia ipad kuchika panya
>
> > > > >> budako amezoea bike hadi alivyo pata dai alito mguu nje
>
> > > > >> eti watoi wenu ni wengi mpaka wako na namba plate
>
> > > > >> kichwa yako ndogo hadi ukitaka nyoa unanyolewa kma njuku mara moja
> > > > >> ndo..
>
> > > > >> manzi yako mkonde mpaka akiingia kwa matatu conductor anasema amekonda
> > > > >> ha2bebi.
>
> > > > >> eti dem wako ni mchafu mpaka akipita tao city council wanamweka kwa
> > > > >> dirty pin
>
> > > > >> manzi yako m-ugly alienda beauty akatokea numba 7 na alikuwa peke yake
>
> > > > >> Manzi yako anaogopa ukimwi hadi anakula ugali na condom!
>
> > > > >> una kichwa kubwa first tym kuingia xzam room supervyza alikuwambia "no
> > > > >> group work pliz
>
> > > > >> blood yako ni bitter mpaka mosquito husema ni herbal
>
> > > > >> ati niliskia ww huworks kwa posho mill mpaka huwezi oga na maji moto
> > > > >> sababu uta nuka sembe(ugali)
>
> > > > >> ww umeparara hadi unatafutwa na lorry ya vaseline...!
>
> > > > >> On Mar 11, 7:35 pm, Juma Mzuri <jumamz...@gmail.com> wrote:
> > > > >> > Mwalimu
>
> ...
>
> read more »

--
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Pata nafasi mpya za Kazi www.kazibongo.blogspot.com
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