[wanabidii] Re: Utani - Jokes - Ucheshi - Vimbwanga

Hi admin, naitwa Antony Kibe. Nimekuja kugundua hawa watu mnaskia kwa redio wakiwa na masauti supuu sana wanakuwaga wamenyonga sauti ndio wasound wasupa bt ni maong'ong'o watupu. Saa kama Gloria Muliro, i swear before God nilikuwa nadhani ni kadem kadoogo kasupuu sana kabrown skin kako na hips na haga imesimama na tuboobs tuko poa sana. Mazee nilicome kumwona nikashangaa kumbe ni kimama kizima! Hata alinibore yangu yote, kwanza hata mangoma zake nikazifuta kwa phone yangu na hata siwezi msikiza, anakaa uduu sana. Hata sijui watu humpendea nini nkt! Mimi hata siezi mpenda mara hata moja. I wish hiyo sauti ningekuwa mungu ningemnyanganya hiyo sauti nzuri nipee dem msupa kama Vera Sidika aimbange ndio abambe watu sana

On Saturday, February 22, 2014 2:05:43 PM UTC+3, Juma Mzuri wrote:

Siku ya kwanza
MUME: Halooo vipi mke wangu salama weye?.
MKE: Salama tu
MUME: Uko wapi?
MKE: Jamani si niko nyumbani
MUME: Mhh kama kweli uko nyumbani washa
blender nisikie.....mke akawasha blender
MKE: Umesikia?
MUME: Okay haya mi natoka kazini naja
Siku ya pili
MUME: Vipi mko salama huko?
MKE: Tupo kama ulivyotuacha
MUME: kwani uko wapi?
MKE: Niko nyumbani napika
MUME: Washa brender kama kweli uko
nyumbani
Mke akawasha blender
MKE: Umesikia?
MUME: Poa ntarudi baada ya masaa mawili
Siku sita baadae mume akaamua kurudi bila
kumtaarifu mkewe alipofika home kamkuta
mdada wa kazi yuko peke yake.
MUME: We mama yako yuko wapi?
MDADA: Sijui ameondoka na blender toka
asubuhi

On Friday, February 21, 2014 1:38:50 AM UTC-8, Juma Mzuri wrote:

Wife: U are smelling woman's perfume, where did u get it

Husband: From the woman I was squeezed with in the taxi.

Wife:What about the lipstick on your mouth?

Husband: O oo that one? I got it from Rhoda whom I was congratulating for passing her exam.

Wife: What about the used condoms in your pocket?

Husband:Hey leave me alone, don't ask me silly questions. I want to sleep!

Wife:(Crying):This is not fair, this is too much because when I use them I don't bring them home

Husband:(Waking up angry). What did U say?

Wife: Leave me alone I want to sleep.

On Friday, November 29, 2013 11:01:53 AM UTC+3, Juma Mzuri wrote:

A Nigerian man called his mom

Man:Mom I have AIDS.

Mother:heeeee..chinekee, Don't come back

homeoooo, my sonooo,don't come back home.God

forbid!

Man:why mom,why now, watin i did now ?

Mother:Heeee...you foolish boy ! You see my son,if

you come back home,then your wife will be

infected. From your wife to your broda,from your

broda to our maid,from our maid to your daddy

from your daddy to my sister,from my sista to her

hosband,from him to me,from me to the

gardener,from the gardener to your sista and if

your sister gets infected,heeeee,then the whole

village is in trouble..ewooo! So in the name of

Godooo

please save our villageoooo....

dont come back

On Tuesday, April 9, 2013 4:46:20 PM UTC+3, Tracy John Kimambo wrote:

One laugh per day is better than eating one apple a day....

A man was granted two wishes by God.
He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever.
He got holy water and Mother Teresa.
. . . . . . . . . . .
There are three kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Then some get married and wonder what happened!
. . . . . . . . . . .
Wives are magicians. They can turn anything into an argument.
. . . . . . . . . . .
When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more
peaceful life than men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied:
"Because women don't have wives!"
. . . . . . . . . . .
Husband to his wife: "Honey... I've invited a friend home for
supper."
Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been
shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a
fancy meal!"
Husband: "I know all that."
Wife: "Then why did you invite a friend home for supper?"
Husband: "Because the poor fool is thinking of getting married!"
. . . . . . . . . . .
Cool message to mother-in-law:
"Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am
living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!"
. . . . . . . . . . .
When a married man replies; "I'll think about it." -- What he really
means is that he hasn't asked his wife for permission yet!
. . . . . . . . . . .
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his
sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him the opportunity to speak while he's
awake!"

On Mar 12, 6:28 am, Juma Mzuri <jumamz...@gmail.com> wrote:
> WAKENYA TUNATAKA PRESIDENT IKO NATIMIZA MABO HAYA:-
> 1. Introduce petrol ya satchet kwa watu wa vitz
> na probox..(no offense)
> ... 2. Wapunguze bei ya mutura na mahindi choma
> juu wanatumia gas kuchoma.
> 3. Siku za mwizi ziongezwe from 40 to 70 juu
> kumekauka.
> 4. Bei ya iphone ireduce juu mtu alishaa bite
> hiyo apple.
> 5. Tissue paper itolewe hiyo second sheet.
> (inakuwanga ya nini by the way?)
> 6. Ile light huwanga "at the end of the tunnel"
> izimwe to save energy.
> 7. Ma subscribers wa Safcom wote warudishiwe
> hiyo "bob" ikokwa jina la Collymore. Huyo
> jamaa anakula bob kwa kila subscriber, siyo poa,
> inafaa abaki tu Collymore.
> 8. Miguna Miguna anyanganywe jina moja
> wapatie wenye hawana majina kama Nameless.
> 9.Gava ifungue Mr. Broke coz hatuwezani na Mr.
> Price
> 10. Bei ya doughnut ibaki vilevile but wapunguze au wazibe ile
> shimo ya kati
> 11. Bei ya soda ipunguzwe coz haikuwangi imejaa
> ama wajaze
> 12. The road to success ikuwe super highway ndio
> wasee wafike haraka
> 13. Atoe remix ya national anthem iwe na beats za Heart & Soul
> riddim.
> 14. Wapunguze fare ya kwenda S.africa kwa ndege juu ni mteremko ndege
> haitumii mafuta
>
> On Feb 13, 12:31 pm, gm26...@gmail.com wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > Humu humu
>
> > Stay tuned for more
>
> > Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on the Tigo Tanzania Network
>
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: samson charles <samchaz...@gmail.com>
>
> > Sender: wana...@googlegroups.com
> > Date: Wed, 13 Feb 2013 12:29:14
> > To: <wana...@googlegroups.com>
> > Reply-To: wana...@googlegroups.com
> > Subject: Re: [wanabidii] Re: Utani -Jokes- Ucheshi - Vimbwanga
>
> > naweza kuvipata wapi vichekesho hivi???
>
> > On Sat, Feb 9, 2013 at 8:53 PM, Juma Mzuri <jumamz...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > > On Aug 18 2012, 7:52 pm, Yona F Maro <oldmo...@gmail.com> wrote:
> > > > Dingi: Niletee soda we mtoto.
> > > > mtoto: pepsi or coca?
> > > > dingi: pepsi..
> > > > mtoto: ya kopo ya chupa..?
> > > > dingi: ya kopo
> > > > mtoto: ya baridi ya moto..?
> > > > dingi: hee wewe mtoto mbona maswali mengi.. basi bwana niletee maji
> > > > tu..
> > > > mtoto: ya hapa home au ya dukani..?
> > > > dingi: ya hapahapa
> > > > mtoto: ya baridi ya moto..?
> > > > dingi: ya baridi..
> > > > mtoto: kwenye glasi or kikombe
> > > > dingi: ntakupiga na ufagio we mtoto
> > > > mtoto: ufagio wa chelewa or wa mti..?
> > > > dingi: ntakuua we mtoto
> > > > mtoto: utaniuaje../ utanchoma kisu o utanipiga na bastola..?
> > > > dingi: nitakupiga na bastola
> > > > mtoto: kichwani or tumboni..?
> > > > dingi: kichwani.. NIMEKWAMBIA TOKA NJE..
> > > > mtoto: sasa hivi or baadae..?
> > > > dingi: sasa hivi..
>
> > > > ilikuwa ni sherehe ya kumwaga askofu mstafu na kumkaribisha mpya. iakw
> > > > hivi
> > > > MC ; " Kwa kuwa mgeni rasmi amechelewa kuja naomba askof mstafu atoe
> > > > historia yake fupi akiwa hapa kanisani.
> > > > Askof stafu; nashukuru sana kwa hii nafasi, mpaka leo namkumbuka mtu
> > > > wa kwanza kabisa kumfanya aokoke, alikuwa ni kijana mmoja ambaye sasa
> > > > ni mtu mkubwa sana serikalini, siwezikumtaja jina. lakini alikuja
> > > > akiwa mateka wa shetani ambaye alimsababishia asiweze kupata mtoto
> > > > tena kutokana na magonjwa mengi ya zinaa aliyoumwa, kaachana kaoa
> > > > zaidi ya mara tatu na kuacha, alikuwa analala kilabuni anakunywa mpaka
> > > > anajikojolea. sasa siku hiyo aliyokuja kwangu anasema ilikuwambaya
> > > > zaidi alilala kilabuni vijana wakampitia wakamvua nguozote na kumwacha
> > > > uchi wa mnyama. basi nikafanya nae maombi pale akampokea Mungu, Huwezi
> > > > amini ukimwaona leo!!! ni mtu mkubwa sana serikalini.Kama Mungu
> > > > alitenda hivyo kwa huyu atafanya na kwako. Amen?????
> > > > MC; Asante sana Baba Askofu, naona mgeni rasmi anaingia. utokana na
> > > > muda wetu umeenda sana namkaribisha mgeni rasmi.
> > > > Mgeni Rasmi; Nashukuru sana kwa hii nafasi. Kwanza naomba mnisamehe
> > > > kwa kuchelewa,Mimi naitwa.................... ni Katibu mkuu wa
> > > > Serikali yetu. Nafurahi kuwa mgeni rasmi katika kanisa hili kwa sababu
> > > > limeanzisha msingi wa maisha yangu ya baraka. mi nadhani ni mtu wa
> > > > kwanza kabisa kuokolewa kwenye hili kanisa. Ni habari ya kusikitisha
> > > > sasa lakini namshukuru Mungu kwa kupitia babaAskofu mstaff aliniokoa .
> > > > Mc; ..........mh
>
> > > > A Tanzanian and an American man are sitting next to each other on a
> > > > long flight From London to New York.
>
> > > > The American man leans over to the Tanzania and ask if he would like
> > > > to
> > > > play a fun game. The Tanzanian just wants to take a nap, so he
> > > > politely
> > > > declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
> > > > American man persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a
> > > > lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
> > > > the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't
> > > > know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Tanzanian politely
> > > > declines and tries to get to sleep. The American man , now
> > > > somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me
> > > > $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
>
> > > > This catches the Tanzanian's attention, and he sees no end to this
> > > > torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The American asks
> > > > the first question.
>
> > > > "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
> > > > The Tanzanian doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
> > > > out a five dollar bill and hands it to the American.
>
> > > > Now, it's the Tanzanian's turn. He asks the American "What goes up a
> > > > hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
>
> > > > The American looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
> > > > laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the
> > > > Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of
> > > > Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no
> > > > avail. After
> > > > about an hour,
> > > > he wakes the Tanzanian and hands him $100. The Tanzanian
> > > > politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
>
> > > > The American, more than a little miffed, shakes the Tanzanian and asks
> > > > "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Tanzanian reaches
> > > > into his wallet, hands the American $5, and turns away to get Back to
> > > > sleep
>
> > > > Taarifa zinasema huyu alikuwa mchagga,
>
> > > > kulikuwa kuna mwanamke mmoja antembea juu ya ghorafa ya mwisho sasa
> > > > yule mwanamke akateleza kuteleza akadakwa na mzungu yule mwanamke
> > > > akamwabia mzungu asante sana umeyasevu maisha yangu nitafanya na mimi
> > > > nitakusaidua chochote unachotaka yule mzungu akamwambia lala na mimi
> > > > yule mwanamke kamwambie kwa hilo haiwezekani akamrusha chini kumrusha
> > > > akadakwa na mtaliana yule mwanamke kamwambia kama alivyomwambia yule
> > > > m.mme wa mwanzo na yule mtaliana kasema vilevile lala na mimi
> > > > akamwambia haiwezekani yule mtaliana akamrusha tena chili kumrusha
> > > > akadakwa na muarabu huyo muarabu aliku shekhe yeye yule mwanmke
> > > > akamwambia asante umeyasevu maisha yangu kwa hiyo nitalala na weye
> > > > yule muarabu akasema astaghfirullah akamrusha chini kabisa
>
> > > > One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He
> > > > immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
>
> > > > "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
> > > > have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
> > > > you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite
> > > > as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
> > > > place.
>
> > > > I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty
> > > > good, so the devil opened the first room.
>
> > > > In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in
> > > > and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate
> > > > in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer
> > > > and I don't think I could do that all day long."
>
> > > > The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a
> > > > sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
> > > > hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my
> > > > shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
> > > > rocks all day," commented George.
>
> > > > The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on
> > > > the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
> > > > spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
> > > > does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can
> > > > handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to
> > > > go."
>
> > > > HIGH SCHOOL LOVE LETTERS
> > > > (Girl)
>
> > > > ** MAY THE RECEIVER BE THE OPENER **
> > > > ** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ
>
> > > > ** " P D N F"--- please do no fold **
>
> > > > Roll down to you sweetiepie Babe!
> > > > Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance
> > > > automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous
> > > > thing happened is because papie I love you spontaneously and as I
> > > > stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only
> > > > think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please
> > > > Stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more
> > > > than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and
> > > > ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly
> > > > stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear. My medular-oblandata
> > > > also stops functioning.
>
> > > > Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what
> > > > is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That's why I need
> > > > to see you face to face
>
> ...
>
> read more »

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