Sunday 16 September 2012

Re: [wanabidii] Can A marriage ever be stronger again after an Affair?

Charles,

You have provided some mind-boggling advice here including blaming the
wife for the affair the husband had. I want to ask you a favour, a
small favour:

please take your own advice one day when your wife sleeps with another man.

Courage,
Oduor Maurice



On 9/16/12, Charles Banda <chasbanda@gmail.com> wrote:
> It's unusual for your man to approach you the way he did but still argued
> with you over the issue. If a man could say such, it usually come with
> demonstrable remorse not back and forth argument over something he had
> admitted guilt. I have a feeling he's merely preempting a blackmail from
> the other woman.
>
> I have a few suggestions for you:
>
> 1. Don't even talk about forgiveness except he reveals why he kept an
> affair for a year. Boys will always be boys but keeping an affair for a
> whole year is a different ball game. Men chat over ladies in clubs, call
> them Makalele, Messi, Ronaldo but we do know when to sell or loan a
> player. Knowing the reason might help you improve on any weakness if any or
> provide clues to look out for in future.
>
> 2.Don't keep it entirely to yourself. Put someone, especially your mum in
> confidence. Some parents have a way of giving a helping perspective to
> issue like this. They might even know or probably have been tipped off but
> dismissed such in the hope that all was rosy in your family. Let them know
> you still love him though.
>
> 3.It's not enough to have a great batty! Yeah, we always look out for it
> but what's important is what you can do with it. Don't wait for your
> husband's comment after "doing it", you should also ask if things could be
> better and at times insisted on trying a style you guys have never used.
> Let him know when it comes to that you are happy to do anything with him.
> Sex is powerful. There are so many horrible marriages that the only
> adhesive left is a good salacious sex.
>
> 4. The idea that you are entirely blameless does not hold water as far as I
> am concerned. Married men are sharp shooters! They obviously don't want a
> long term affair like a year that can pose a threat to their family or
> marriage. There is something or chemistry that sustains it that long and in
> most instances is a reflection of deficit or weakness at home. The more
> reason to know why he was in such a relationship for a long time. I am even
> amazed you did know until he became a storyteller.
>
> 5.Take your security seriously. You may not know the woman in question what
> if she knows you? Have you asked him to reveal the identity of the woman to
> you? If yes, what was her reaction? Don't joke with this for your sake and
> that of your children. You even need to know if the woman is married or one
> of these collective children of anger wearing "come and do it attire"
> everywhere.
>
> 6.My sixth suggestion is to ask myself what would I do if I were in your
> shoes? Fine, I can forgive one nightstand confession without a lot of
> rumination more so that he's the one confessing in this case. But one year
> affair requires knowing more details to be able to reach a pragmatic
> solution. If he's truly sincere here, the take home might be formulating a
> new set of rules to break walls you guys have erected between yourselves:
> have access to each others mail, phones etc. A truly remorseful man would
> easily give away those things he had considered "no go area" to reassure
> you of his seriousness.
>
> 7.Marriage is not a joke, it's a serious business. If you work together
> with him, you can resolve this issue and come out stronger than even before
> but a lot depends on his sincerity. Keep this in mind: don't ever believe
> your partner is perfect even for one second. We are humans but commitment
> is what matters. Remember Hillary Clinton is still married to Bill Clinton
> today: think about it.
>
> On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 8:13 PM, Rehema Kikwete <rehemaki@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> - Take a break..
>> - Get back to normal life..
>> - Heal your heart and soul..
>> - Forgive and forget..
>> - Have a heart to heart conversation with him..
>> - And build your relationship back up from the scratch..
>>
>> The 'devil' you know is better than the 'angel' you don't know(that's if
>> you truly love this guy) - it's safer to be with him... And this would
>> only
>> make the relationship and love stronger..
>>
>> Life is short..
>>
>>
>> On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 6:12 PM, mngonge <mngonge@gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>> Dear Fatma and colleagues
>>>
>>> I would like to share with you the topic ''Can A marriage ever be
>>> stronger again after an Affair? '' My answer is yes because there a
>>> number of techniques and innovations which are yet to utilized by
>>> married couples. I qoute from Mort Fertel who advises that :
>>> "Marriage Fitness is an innovative step-by-step relationship-changing
>>> system that teaches you how to save your marriage. You'll learn to
>>> neutralize your problems and put into practice a system of
>>> relationship habits that will shift the momentum of your marriage. And
>>> the best news is—you don't have to dig into your past, dredge up your
>>> problems, or practice communication techniques".
>>>
>>> He adds that "Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous
>>> experience.
>>> But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's
>>> the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Either a husband or a wife
>>> may TEMPORARILY fall in love with someone else and feel better. But
>>> he/she'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because THE KEY
>>> TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S
>>> LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
>>>
>>> SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll
>>> NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to
>>> "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the
>>> labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most
>>> importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your
>>> marriage work. I am tempted to say that your spouse is an honest
>>> person, he had decided to stop all rubbishes he was doing so as to
>>> concentrate on his real marriage. More importantly he repented by
>>> disclosing to you his relationship with another woman who he has
>>> already kicked out. However, human being is a complicated animal, he
>>> might be cheating you to see how you reacts to various situations. It
>>> is not common to most of men, unless you catch him ready handed
>>> otherwise he would have not disclosed it.
>>>
>>> Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity),
>>> there are also laws for
>>> relationships. Certain habits in your relationship WILL make your
>>> marriage stronger while ohters can make your marriage weaker. It's a
>>> direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results
>>> are predictable - you can "make" love. Make no mistake about it. Love
>>> is NOT a mystery. There are a number of websites where you can get
>>> more advises by relationships psychologists eg Mort Fertel. Take
>>> time to think and Enjoy your marriage as it used to be before.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 4:46 PM, <kimdr53@gmail.com> wrote:
>>> > Fatma I concur with some colleagues in this forum. Look, the guy has
>>> apologised after he ended that affair. He felt guilty and to off load
>>> the
>>> baggage he came to U not at any place but on summer vacation! Different
>>> environment from home, I can call it a neutral ground. This guy is very
>>> sincere to U and he Loves U more than U think. What he needs from U is
>>> to
>>> accept him wholly and fully despite his weaknesses. To error is
>>> human,and
>>> to apologise is the best way to come out clean despite of what
>>> transpired.
>>> You have kids together, they need both of U as one entity! So my advise
>>> is
>>> forget and forgive show your guy that U have started a knew page in your
>>> marriage life. You will bring back your confidence and self esteem. That
>>> will bring a spark in your love life and will ignite a smile and
>>> relaxation in your mind and for sure both of U will enjoy it!
>>> > Wish U luck
>>> >
>>> > Idriss Mussa
>>> > Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Orange Botswana
>>> >
>>> > -----Original Message-----
>>> > From: Peter Lwegasira <petermakatu@yahoo.com>
>>> > Sender: wanabidii@googlegroups.com
>>> > Date: Sun, 16 Sep 2012 04:40:07
>>> > To: <wanabidii@googlegroups.com>
>>> > Reply-To: wanabidii@googlegroups.com
>>> > Subject: Re: [wanabidii] Can A marriage ever be stronger again after
>>> > an
>>> Affair?
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > Fatuma,
>>> > Your husband is testing you. Be careful! Did you catch him. Hell no!
>>> Then what pushed him to disclose about an affair which does not exist
>>> anymore? Your marriage is still stronger.
>>> > ------------------------------
>>> > On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 4:28 AM PDT mouddymtoi@gmail.com wrote:
>>> >
>>> >>Mpe mambo kama hajawahi kupewa kabla, don't ignore him in any
>>> circumstance, love him like you never loved before, bring back the trust
>>> and anything he deed tell him "I trust you so much" nimeingia cha kike
>>> kutoa msaada.
>>> >>Mohamedi Mtoi Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on the Tigo Tanzania
>>> Network
>>> >>
>>> >>-----Original Message-----
>>> >>From: Fatima Husenali <husenalif@gmail.com>
>>> >>Sender: wanabidii@googlegroups.com
>>> >>Date: Sun, 16 Sep 2012 13:39:30
>>> >>To: <wanabidii@googlegroups.com>
>>> >>Reply-To: wanabidii@googlegroups.com
>>> >>Subject: [wanabidii] Can A marriage ever be stronger again after an
>>> Affair?
>>> >>
>>> >> I just went through a very heartbreaking news from my husband on our
>>> >>family vacation this summer that he has been in a relationship for
>>> almost a
>>> >>year and he just broke it and now it's over and he wanted to apologize
>>> for
>>> >>this.
>>> >>
>>> >>My jaws dropped and I lost my appetite right away, seriously I am very
>>> sad
>>> >>right now,I trusted this guy with all my heart, we are doing very
>>> >> well,
>>> we
>>> >>are both proffesionals and most of all we have *children together and
>>> he is
>>> >>a very good Dad.
>>> >>
>>> >>I can't tell my family because they will have no more respect for him
>>> >>especially my siblings of his age, I ve been dealing with this since
>>> June
>>> >>and I'm about to burst, I feel numb and depressed everytime and now I
>>> stay
>>> >>longer at work doing nothing just to make sure he is in bed before I
>>> >> get
>>> >>home but he is always waiting for me.
>>> >>
>>> >>we have been to therapy and family councelling but you know I still
>>> >> feel
>>> >>very hurt and unsettled.
>>> >>
>>> >>I think I have said enough for good readers (especially women)to
>>> understand
>>> >>how I feel.
>>> >>
>>> >>And just so you all know, I am an average good looking proffesional
>>> woman
>>> >>with kids,with a very good statistics and I actually just got
>>> >>b.implants(9k), it's not easy going through surgery just cause you
>>> >> want
>>> to
>>> >>spice up your sex life.
>>> >>
>>> >>Anyways my question is: Could a relationship/marriage can ever be
>>> stronger
>>> >>again after an Affair? What's next for me?
>>> >>
>>> >>please this is not a joke, its real, be serious, thank you.
>>> >>
>>> >>--
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>>> >>
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>>> >>
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>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>--
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>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >
>>> > --
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>> --
>> Karibu Jukwaa la www.mwanabidii.com
>> Pata nafasi mpya za Kazi www.kazibongo.blogspot.com
>> Blogu ya Habari na Picha www.patahabari.blogspot.com
>>
>> Kujiondoa Tuma Email kwenda
>> wanabidii+unsubscribe@googlegroups.com Utapata Email ya kudhibitisha
>> ukishatuma
>>
>> Disclaimer:
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>> legal
>> consequences of his or her postings, and hence statements and facts must
>> be
>> presented responsibly. Your continued membership signifies that you agree
>> to this disclaimer and pledge to abide by our Rules and Guidelines.
>>
>>
>>
>
> --
> Karibu Jukwaa la www.mwanabidii.com
> Pata nafasi mpya za Kazi www.kazibongo.blogspot.com
> Blogu ya Habari na Picha www.patahabari.blogspot.com
>
> Kujiondoa Tuma Email kwenda
> wanabidii+unsubscribe@googlegroups.com Utapata Email ya kudhibitisha
> ukishatuma
>
> Disclaimer:
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> consequences of his or her postings, and hence statements and facts must be
> presented responsibly. Your continued membership signifies that you agree to
> this disclaimer and pledge to abide by our Rules and Guidelines.
>
>
>

--
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